What are the stories you have written in your head about your betrayal?
Shame is the most destructive emotion that we have. Toxic shame after a betrayal is deadly. Yet shame cannot survive in the light – so find someone supportive with whom you can share your story.
We all write stories. Every single day we write stories about what happens to us. We might see a homeless person and tell ourselves a story about how they got there. It would probably be a total fairy tale and completely inaccurate, but we do that all the time.
Maybe we see a teenager walking down the street dressed in a way that we’d freak out if our kid was dressed like that and tell ourselves a story about them. It might be semi-accurate, but not completely.
These stories are judgements and assumptions. We judge other people based on the stories we tell ourselves, to the detriment of our relationships, and we assume that we know what’s going on in someone else’s head.
Brene Brown tells the story of trying to tell her husband something really important, but he wasn’t responding. She was really hurt and upset, and said, “The story I’m making up in my head right now is that you….” Her husband was surprised. He had been thinking about something else and wasn’t even aware she was trying to tell him something.
Brene Brown tells the story of trying to tell her husband something really important, but he wasn’t responding. She was really hurt and upset, and said, “The story I’m making up in my head right now is that you….” Her husband was surprised. He had been thinking about something else and wasn’t even aware she was trying to tell him something.
Our perceptions get us in so much trouble. The stories in our heads get us in so much trouble. Our judgements and assumptions get us in so much trouble.
There was a period of time after the betrayal when one of my children would make assumptions about me based on what they had been told by my betrayer. This child would say, “Well, you wouldn’t like that,” and I’d say, “How do you know, did you ask me?” I’m sure they got real tired of me saying that, but it finally broke the habit, and we are actually able to have conversations now, instead of them just assuming they know everything about me and the way I think. The cool thing about being human is that we can change at any given moment. What was true for me 5 minutes ago may not be true any longer – so never assume!
What stories have you made up in your head? About your betrayal? About you? About your betrayer?
Do those stories make you happy? Are they the stories you want to define you? Are they the stories you want to leave for your grandchildren?
Recent Comments